Taking no prisoners. Including herself.

My writing group chose “What I Stand For” as a freewrite topic. (Sharing:)

What I stand for is Yes. I am yes. I yes to everything – pain, perseverance, confusion, love, so much love, desire, caring, sacrifice, indulgence, life and all things searching. I want to yes the world. I stand for loyalty, and I find that even and above all I can be loyal to myself first, and that is true loyalty to all to All to ALL. I stand for positive dedication. Not the devotion that is false and empty, that belittles oneself to give a false sense of comradery or commitment. No. I am committed to nakedness, to the end, to death, to principle, for an idea, to sacrificing my image, my home, my comfort, to push through to some higher “Ness”. Truth. I want to stand for Truth. I want to stand for all that is true, which is a LOT. Which are things that are messy and unformed, are complicated and ugly. For things that make us feel like we don’t know if they are true – those are true too. For the things we question, and want to throw away. For things in ourselves we want to discard like banana peels, squashing between dirty silver metal garbage cans, because we don’t think they fit nicely into our square sterile mind-worlds. I yes these, too. I want to stand for those things. I stand for loving everything. Everything. EVERYTHING. I want to stand for emptiness, for all of us the same, for sharing and risk. I want to stand for adventure, both in this world and the world inside. I want to stand for courage. I want to stand for having the balls to do the things we don’t want to do but must do because we know that they are the only things worth fighting for, the only things worth anything, because they make us alive, and true, and whole. Because they are the point. I want to stand for work. Working that is the toughest kind of work: the work on ourselves, the work toward authenticity, the work toward completion, the work toward surrendering, the work toward god. I want to be able to stand for Each as All, I want to stand for myself, first, and then stand for myself as nothing. I want to just be a stand, a standing, the act itself, no subject, just a glowing yellow orb, a navel of stone, a pit of orange and gold pulsing like a black hole that condenses but instead of sucking all light in, pushes all light outward. I want to stand for this strength. I want to stand for an other-worldy kind of strength, resoluteness. I want to be this sturdy. This fixed emptiness below, and flowing above me waters of life– I, a river-rock, unmoving, but at the same time slowly dissolving into the flow. I want to be so strong that I let myself be slowly eaten away like fish to a ball. (“Eat me alive, Living!”) I want to be planted and deep, rich in soil and then evaporating slowly away. I want to stand for this kind of wisdom. I stand for the beauty and pain and complications and messy-messy dirtiness of this human experience. I stand for the process. I stand for someone who is willing to be human, even at the cost of her own salvation.

§697 · November 3, 2009 · Writing & Language · · [Print]

2 Comments to “What I Stand For”

  1. alia beeton says:

    Talk about goal-setting. Sheesh, Shanny, that was phenomenal! I wrote down some goals the other day and it was like

    “eat more leafy greens”
    “take time to meditate”
    “take a walk in nature every day”
    “find meaningful work”

    But you know, I think I too could stand for someone who is willing to be human, even at the cost of her own salvation.

    LOVE IT!

  2. Roya says:

    hmmm. My goal list is:
    Do not let the laundry pile up
    Do not call my 3 year old a bitch in my head
    kiss my husband and tell him i love him
    water the plants
    pet the cats
    make sure cookies or pretzels are not the only thing offered for dinner.

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