Taking no prisoners. Including herself.

I just ran my show all the way through for the first time today in rehearsal. It is finally coming together (phew!) I work on it for about 5-7 hours a day now (memorizing, practicing blocking, rewriting parts that don’t work), in addition to the production aspects (fliers, venue, set, programs, business ads), with 3 hours of rehearsal.

I wake up at 6, drink green tea at 7, work freelance until 8, freewrite for 10, meditate for 20, walk for 90, then try to pull a 180 and memorize 1000′s of lines; I devote myself 24/7 to this idea I’ve been living with 365 for over 3 yrs.

I’m not sure what that was number-rambling was about [above]. I am useless these days when it comes to writing, conversation… or making sense. All I do is repeat-repeat-repeat lines all morning, then rehearse-rehearse-rehearse all afternoon, afterwhich I stuff my face with a peanut butter & jelly sandwich and hit the sack.

During rehearsal, I have a spiritual awakening, sex, and nervous breakdown [all in the script, mind you];  quote Jesus; act out my mother, father, brother, psychiatrist, HR Manager, and 6-yr-old self; cartwheel, split leap; use a squat toilet in Vietnam; and re-enact the moment I found out my brother had died.

Needless to say, I’m exhausted by 6pm.

But I think the most stressful thing of all is how friggin’ nervous I’m getting. Now down to a week away, I wake up each new day with a little lot more turmoil in my gut. I don’t know why I’m so scared… but I am. It’s so primal: I’m scared I’ll forget my lines, or just make a big fool of myself. But most of all, I’m scared that this thing I’ve been trying to do for YEARS now — possibly the most meaningful goal of my life so far — will end up being just… lame.

And not because I want praise, or need the show will be “successful” (financially or creatively — because I gave up on those lo-o-ong ago.) I’m beyond “me” anymore. I really do feel like I’ve given birth, and I’m worried I simply won’t be capable of giving this creation what it needs. All I want to do is make an offering; I want to devote myself to something 100% and have it mean something to someone. I just want to create something full, and beautiful.

…Oh, crap. I think I just became one of those “artist” people with those last sentences.

What a process of surrendering. I am so vulnerable. Even writing this blog post makes me feel… humble.

§613 · August 20, 2009 · New Mexico Magic, Performance · Tags: , · [Print]

1 Comment to “Update, Incoherent”

  1. Kate says:

    You are an inpiration …..it’s the ACTION…not the OUTCOME that moves us along….let it all go…I love you.

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