Some jobs don’t exist but should…
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Profile: Part-Time Narcissist
“Part-time, I’m very fond of myself.
I’d like to find a full-time gig—you know, one that really utilizes my skills of self-love and all that—but I’m having a hard time finding a full-time affair that very pays well. And then there’s the health benefits—it’s really important to me to find a position where I can come home after a hard day’s self-adulation and know I have therapy paid for—well, after a $30 deductible.
I figure a full-time job just opens up doors. That, and I’m also trying to impress this cutie I have the Hots for. I see him all the time hanging out at the same bar in which I hang out: The Watering Hole. We’re a lot alike: he’s always wearing the same outfit as I am, sitting across the bar in the same seat every night, and smiling back whenever I smile. It’s like he knows exactly what I’m thinking; I think he’s really something special—can’t take my eyes off him.
Don’t get me wrong: I dated a bit in college, I just never found “the one,” you know? Everyone just failed to accommodate me in every possible way, so what’s a Greek youth to do but spurn them? I don’t see anything wrong with the pursuit of personal gratification and obsessing over oneself to the point of complete lack of social empathy. I mean, I’m only human, right?
My most serious relationship, with this nymph-of-a-girl, ended because she accused me of being “emotionally unavailable” and “physically distant”—So I like alone time. So sue me. That, and she was a talker. Saying my name over and over and over and over. Man, that got old.
Anyhow, I first got interested in a career in the Narcissistic industry right around the age of fifteen, when I started getting a lot of interested suitors that made me realize I should really start looking into, well—me. I did a lot of self-reflecting, and realized that I could just about fall in love with a guy like me.
I graduated from college with a Bachelor’s in the field and a minor in Psychology (I wanted my degree to be practical, you know?) Then, as luck would have it, I got this internship at The Mirror Distribution Co. They needed a someone in their Quality Assurance Department to ensure the conditions of their mirrors, which of course—once I was able to really perfect the sideways glance and self-approving wink—turned into this part-time gig I’m doing now.
I grew up with a great deal of emphasis on higher education, though, so I think I’d like to return to school sometime in near future to get a more advanced degree. A professor of mine once suggested I’d be a great student of Histrionics, but I’ve found I’ve got a secret passion for horticulture and floral art, so maybe I’ll do something with that:
I just love daffodils.”
hahahahahaha