One Man’s Junk

Junk mail is annoying. We’re all in agreement on this. But I’m willing to wager a hefty sum it’s because there is a kind of annoying violation of one’s inbox that occurs with messages titled “NAstY under age animal sexx” — am I wrong?

I must give credit, however, to a recent bout of junk mail that managed to squeeze past my filter — not only did I stop to read them, but I actually saved the damn things. Oh yes, these were different, interesting… poetic, even. For example:

So I decided the hell with it. The last time I had gone into the Zone at was a mile across the water. If they waited much longer, he would reach a whatever I reach first. I’ll apologize now. For example, Mr. Tender, if I his truth in the face of the Flock. And the more Jonathan practiced his

ooooh. See that? See how it ended in the middle of the sentence, leaving the reader in anticipation, wanting more? Great dramatic build. And this Mr. Tender — he’s an interesting character. “The face of the Flock”? Great analogy for the tyranny of social expectations. Moving.

Another of my favorites:

Low speed ahead along the pylons, altitude three yards. Halt at the
narrative calls for them, the super-potent protagonist never kills any-
lies if it came from within the institute, because nobody there knew
than half his wingspan above the water, he could stay in the air longer,

ah! “wingspan above the water” — striking, isn’t it? Such imagery! George Orwell himself would be impressed with these references to “lies” within “the institute.” And really: all protagonists should be “super-potent,” don’t you think?

I wonder if more junk mail were phrased this way we’d all be less negative about SPAM. I imagine some unemployed aspiring writer somewhere scouring the Craigslist job listings, coming across the following:

WANTED: Junk Email Writer. Pay based on amount of emails sent. Must be able to click “send” repeatedly and write incoherent sentences about bestiality, Viagra, or mortgage rates. No experience necessary.

“Eureka!” s/he shouts “now I can reach thousands upon thousands of readers and finally show the world the words I was meant to write!”

I’m thinking there’s good opportunity in starting a viral marketing firm of higher literary aspirations — it’ll be the Johnnie Walker Blue Label™ of junk mail:

GOLD JUNK: A more refined flavor of SPAM

Any investors out there wanna go halfsies with me?