NOT KEEPING SCORE

A MULTI-PART EXPLORATION ON WHETHER PEOPLE CHANGE, THROUGH THE COMPLETELY UN-SYSTEMATIC ANALYSIS OF PERSONAL ITEMS FOUND IN SHANNON DEJONG’S “SPECIAL BOX” AND ASSORTED CHILDHOOD MEMORABILIA*[1] — AND OTHER STUFF, TOO

Part V

I was driving through San Francisco yesterday, cranking my way down Post Street —

The light turned red at Polk, and I idled there. As my eyes flitted over familiar sights of my old neighborhood my pulse quickened with familiar city energies. And bubbling almost out of no Thought, this thought:

I’m so glad I don’t live here anymore.

And there it was. Lately as I make trips into San Francisco, I realize how it no longer feels like home, and feel resolute in my decision to leave the city — but there is always an undercurrent of longing.

But yesterday? Not so much.

* * *

My sister-in-law (who, relevantly, is studying to get her Masters in Psychology and likes to ask me lots of probing questions about what I’m doing with my life) said I’d be wise to settle down in a “medium town” next — not a big city, but not the “country,” either.

She thinks people don’t change. She thinks after my little stint here in the country I’ll go right back to living a chaotic stressful city life again. She thinks I’ll return to my “old ways.”

Back and forth and never finding balance, never breaking habit — never “really” changing.

And I say all this as a kind of wrap up for this whole “In Flux” exploration I’ve been on and the meaning of change. Have I changed? Am I country-fied now and has the manic city impulse been forever ironed out of me by a few months of rooster calls and green pastures, or will I go stir crazy by June and fling myself into the wilds of Urbana?

I don’t know, and frankly, it doesn’t matter. Because whether change is permanent or just an ebb in the ebb and flow of moods, desires, or tastes; Change is Change — and once it occurs it doesn’t go back.

We may re-enter the waters, but we can never step in the same river twice. Ah, yes, Grasshopper.

* * *

When I was cleaning out my “Special Box” of childhood memorabilia, I came across a piece of paper I had written when I was about 16. It’s titled LIFE GOALS and it has about 30 or so items I wanted to be sure to do in life — I was an “ambitious” teen, as you’ll discover.

When I was 16 I was so sure that these were the 30 things I had to accomplish before I died — let me repeat that: Of all the things in the world to do, these were the things I had to do before I died.

I remember making this list to remind my future self of these very important not-to-be-forgotten Things To Do. You know, so I wouldn’t forget to Smoke a Cuban Cigar (#26).

But the funny thing is, there are many items I couldn’t care less about, and it makes me realize the “goals” I set forth for myself in one part of my life change as I get older and I change — as the reason for the goal changes.

Why did I feel I must Eat a mango with lime juice without using a utensil (#23)? Oh, I had my reasons. Then.

It’s not the doing that’s important. It’s the experience behind the doing. And it’s the joy behind the experience.

And so I have to learn to live not for my future self, but for my Now — because God knows what my future self will be like, or what she’ll want! Here I am, a watery self, everything seemingly clear and permanent in this moment — but [camera pan out, and] I am rushing forward through time and not a drop of me will actually be the same later.

And so, with no further adu:

SHANNON DEJONG’S LIFE GOALS
1. Learn Karate
2. Skydive
3. Rockclimb
4. Bungee jump
5. Box (kickbox / spar )
6. Dance on point shoe — ballet
7. Flip

— at this point I ask myself, why are the first 7 goals of my life to do a challenging physical activity? I’m athletic, but come on…

8. Learn how to play the saxophone
9. Actually finish a monopoly game
10. Choreograph a dance - perform it
11. Experience life in the city, work for a business
12. Splurge in NY
13. “Leave my heart in S.F”.
14. Return to church / experience religion
15. Save a life
16. Learn a “proper” dance form, i.e. ballroom / tango, etc.
17. Plant a garden
18. Become truly tranquil, no worries
19. Be hypnotized
20. Learn how to hypnotize others
21. Visit a health spa: be pampered, i.e. mud bath, facial, nails — I had very high goals here…

22. Eat a chocolate (etc.) covered insect
23. Eat a mango with lime juice without using a utensil
24. Have a martini shaken, not stirred
25. Read the Bible
26. Smoke a Cuban cigar
27. Caving (spelunking)
28. Make homemade pasta
29. Create pottery (sculpting wheel, etc.) — I’m certain this is on my list only after watching Ghost

30. Go to Nashville and yell “I’m here music city and I ain’t ever leavin’!”
31. Do an ollie on the skateboard — Ah yes, the ambitions of youth
32. Be truly vulnerable and love every second of it
33. Write a novel
34. Travel the world

and today I’ve added one more — you know, just so my future self doesn’t forget:

35. Realize that life is not a To Do list

*[1]Quite possibly the most lengthy and self-indulgent blog posting on NKS to date