Taking no prisoners. Including herself.

Something I recently learned about myself was that I like the corporate culture I like money I like feeling and I like that I am different I like I like I like. So – therefore, Listen. I have not calmed down the rush of everything in my ears yet. I am tense and high strung and my body feels over caffeinated but not in a coffee kind of way because I don’t (haven’t been) drink(ing) coffee, but it’s rather that I have had one too many cups of green tea and it does funny things to my outside skin suit. My suit, that I wear around like some kind of gonzo gone wild. Women—reveal your breasts! I am the cameraman you’ve always dreamed about, and I am here to bare witness ( hee hee, good pun dejong) to the fluency of your titties.

So. Here’s the deal. I’m typing on an PC and the Trackpad IS LAME because it keeps sticking. I have just named such a track pad. Well, actually, I just successfully, after only 2 weeks of employment, named a business keyboard and mouse, and, get ready my dazzling captive audience, the winner (s) is (are):

[BRAND] Travel Mouse and…

[BRAND] Bluetooth Keyboard.

Ta-da! Do you see my brilliance? Do you see why they pay me six figures? No, really—they pay me six figures. And in my creativity group that meets on Thursday evenings for 3 hours – the only bit of creative play I get these days – do you know what we did? We talked about money! MONEY! And do you know what I learned, and what I still find squeamishly uncomfortable to say but I’m just gonna come right out and announce: I LOVE MONEY. It’s sexy. It’s hot. When I know I’m earning it, I feel a sense of power and muscle. I feel like I own a penis, and it is large, my friends. It’s large. And handsome. And it’s not just some kind of jerk-bag penis, that runs around all puffed up and leavened on sex. No. My penis-self-importance is kind and compassionate. It thinks about what it will do with this power, and it plays nice. It will save the world with all this power! It will help its owner find peace of mind with this power! It will take this power and money as energy and energy only, which we all have, we all have, in various forms and formulas, and it will juggle that energy around like a fucking kundalini master, my folks! My friends! Do you know what it will do? IT WILL FUCKING SET ME UP TO REPEAT THE SAME FUCKING CIRCLES I ALWAYS REPEATE: work hard, stress hard, ditch it all, run around the world looking for myself, make some art about what I did and did not find, find a love and a lover, make a connection, tell myself I’m thus stately evolved, and how learn-ed I am, and that next time I know where I’m going, because I can see where I’ve gone. And I’m not just coming to erode my senses because I’ve found something new about myself and it’s is somehow better, or enlightening, but because I’ve done something SEXY, everyone! Look at me! I’m 32 and the skin thins but sexy is as sexy can BUY and I’m going to buy a renewed sense of myself which is:

Get this:

I am just fine.

That’s my revelation. I’m fine, even though I’m poor of so many things. Poor of importance, poor of knowing, poor of having been able to predict my life and what was really important, poor of wisdom and poor of home—but I am rich rich rich and not because of the money. But because I’m ok with being a nobody, and dying slowly here, on this park bench, just like my grandmother is right now, dying slowly on her bed.

§1324 · July 19, 2013 · Freewrites · · [Print]

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