Taking no prisoners. Including herself.

What does loss teach us about love?

Loss is a fluid that eases with time but never goes away, only shifts and eddys, pooling as memory. Its pokes and sharpnesses dull, but always is stored in a pocket of the heart, and balloons from time to time when triggered and bumped.

This is because loss is a symptom of love; and love, like energy, is a constancy — it can never be destroyed, only changes its amorphous form.

I don’t believe in such thing as “falling out of love” — to where have you fallen? You haven’t gone anywhere, only curled and arched into different postures and positions. Your childhood pet, a lover, an era, a family member — even a loss of self — is always loved, and once lost, always a loss. Nothing “disappears,” only changes.

* * *

When my brother died, I was given some old video footage from his first wedding. It’ll be two years this November since his death, but I am just now ready to watch the video and edit the reel.

When someone dies, I think it is really easy to idolize them, to put them up on a pedestal as saintly, and only remember good things about them, easily forgetting blunders and foibles. (God let those that remain after me to be so kind…) But going through the video I was struck with just how sincerely nice my brother was — making me embarrassed that I don’t own so pure a heart.

* * *

At his wedding, I fainted. Right in the middle of the ceremony. And I was in the wedding party. I put the whole wedding on pause for a good 10 minutes. [See clip below; I'm the wobbling Bridesmaid 2nd from the bride] Once again: Chris’ little sister tries to steal the show.

Later on, when questioned, “So, Chris, do you forgive your sister for totally upstaging your wedding?” what does he do but give a little laugh, and then immediately respond, “Yes, I’m glad she’s Ok.” And he means it.

* * *

I miss you, Chris.

§686 · October 6, 2009 · Unthinkable Loss · · [Print]

1 Comment to “Faint & Forgive (but not Forget)”

  1. Roya says:

    This just made me cry in the middle of my work morning.
    Chris, you are missed.
    Shannon, you are loved.

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