Taking no prisoners. Including herself.

December 3, 2009
This morning I woke early. 3:49 and I was already sure I wouldn’t be able to go back to bed. At 4:00 I gave in, and sat up in bed, grabbing the book K. just sent me in the mail, the one that I have been reading day and night, crying big, hiccuping sobs of gratitude and devotion. I am overcome with love, and just want to praise and praise and praise thank you thank you thank you i am alive. What do I want more than anything? I have been asking myself that. I am embarassed at the answer. Why am I embarrased to love? Am I afraid that my heart is so big that once I open the faucet the gush will come out so clean and explosive that I will split right down the middle of my chest my “overactive heart” the source of some fire hose smattering people with sticky messes big pure and all light but they don’t want to have to clean it up. Oh, how I want to love. no object. just love. That’s all I really want to do. In every gesture, i want to love. in every word i want to be love, and give all of me to everything beyond msyelf. I am still learning.

I found a picture of myself and my brother when we were young. he is looking at me, adoringly. he loved his little sister so much, you can see it in this picture. two years. and then i looked at myself. I have shockingly blonde hair, fine as rabbit fur, and not much of it. I look like a little pixie, totally unaware of how her ears stick out to the sides, and the fact that she has overalls on but no shirt. she is so happy! a big dopey smile . she is climbing a tree and her daddy is there, and her big brother, and what could be wrong? her soul vibrates right out of her eyes, big and innocent and naive and wise. that little child is my soul. she is just so full of energy and love she doesn’t even know that soon she will be asked to love a little less, please, because it makes other people uncomforatble,

i am home from my trip. that’s probably why i awoke — it’s already 9am in curacao. i made msyelf a small pot of gen mai cha green tea, and sat down to write. i wrote in my journal, but then thought I’d move to the computer to write a freewrite for k.and r., just because i am thinking of them and can think of no better offering then to let my fingers fly (so, here is my humble offering). they don’t even have to read it. i just want to let my All pour.

so, back to that question: do you know what it is that i want more than anything in the world? more than my manic energy that wants to throw paint in every direction and sing and dance and do cartwheels across distant lands and share and collaborate and make art and live loudly and colorfully and be an eccentric free spirit? i want to fall in love. i have been realizing lately that I want to be in blind devotion, the same way i love life– to love another. i want to fall in love. be humbled. i want to stumble and trip and fall all over myself out of love for another person, a fool out of pure divine love, they as a stand in for god. it’s not puppy dog love, it’s faith. i really beleive that’s why we love anyone: because it is a way to know our sense of god. And i want to meet that person and say: I love you because you are the smallest thimble of the everything and i am so small and only have small hands. and i want to be a mother and have children and fall in love even more and watch them grow and have a family and know that this convention i think i’ve settled into was my choice, not given to me, and what a beautiful thing to want and so i choose it.

i want to love. i don’t want to think. i want to walk blindly forward full of faith, deaf and dumb with only love as my thumping pulse: love-love-love: aching for all things because i love every single human being, every face, and thing and mountain and pain and drop of water and gesture and wisp of existance. i want to love this big. i want to never stop loving, i want to be broken with love, smiling and laughing all the way.

§745 · December 3, 2009 · Writing & Language · · [Print]

1 Comment to “Early Morning Freewrite”

  1. Julianne says:

    Shannon, this is so beautiful.

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