I have a new friend: Esme

[Big ups to I.G. for the name]

Esme looks at herself in the mirror

“Hi Shannon:

We are pleased to offer you a spot in our level I troupe. Training starts on next Thursday – March 11th.”

There is nothing more common than unhappy people. Do the world a favor and ruthlessly, relentlessly, uncompromisingly run after what makes you happy –and never turn around to look back.

Still here.

Foggy morning. Jasmine tea. Reading chair. Freewrites at Peet’s. Brazilian dance. Fog clears. iPodding. Hummos lunch. Alone time. Panda brings an orchid. Panda time. Walk around the lake. Saxophone. Cherry blossoms. Ambling couple. She: “How come you didn’t pick me no flowers?” Jumping into action: “Oh, here man, I gotcha covered.” He: “You saved my ass! Thank you.” Laughs. Kisses. Get dressed up for a dive. Head-sized burrito. X-mas lights. Fake flowers. Corona toasts. “To Germany!” (And to Chris). Take a movie in. Cucumber water. Cozy. Best friend.

Now that’s what I call a perfect Valentine’s.

I knew this February 14 would be spent un-romantically: I don’t have a boyfriend, husband, or even lover. And that darn vow!

But Valentine’s Day, especially over the past couple of years, has never been strongly associated with romance, Hallmark, and candy hearts for me; rather, the 14th day of our second month is strongly tied to  loss and memory, to spirituality and hope. Valentine’s  is both my brother’s birthday and a very special weekend I spent meditating alone in the northern mountains of Sa Pa, Vietnam.

But, as Valentine’s Day nears, I see that it will be exactly perfect: I will be traveling with my ex-boyfriend, to my parents’, to visit my brother’s bench.

I sat zazen this evening and realized that — no — not the most romantic day, but a day certainly full of love on all fronts.

patience, belief, discipline, softness, desire, peace, completion, contentment, solitude, self-respect, change, and will. Oh, and gratitude.

Wake, Inhale, Cook, Dress, Drive, Work, Write, Eat, Type, Talk, Love, Smile, Laugh, Shock, Pioneer, Withdraw, Gaze, Think, Send, Pen, Read, Step, Open, Gasp, Chew, Jog, Lift, Close, Drink, Race, Say, Download, Eat, Undress, Shower, Exhale, Sleep.

Evoking (and invoking) Socrates, all I have to offer for tonight’s post are more questions:

• Can “crush” (generation 2)  actually mean “learning to love anew”?
• Are some types of love more dangerous than others?
• Doesn’t all love carry with it some inherent danger?
• Is it “dangerous” to be vulnerable?
• Isn’t love, really, the safest bet of all?
• When is love “not worth it”? When is it worth everything?
• Does love have a quantifiable value? If so, would you pay it?
• If it’s probable to re-love an old love, is it equally probable to un-love a new love?
• What if that new love and old love are the same love?
• Is love is love is love? Was all love created equal?
• Since when does having a crush mean breaking a vow of celibacy?
• Can one have sex and still honor the original intention of abstinence?
• How is it that I don’t care about any of these questions, and that I already know the answer?

 ”Substract love from love and the remainder is love” – Upanishads

Is it normal to develop a new crush on an old boyfriend?

I wonder how I got to where I am and how I will get to where I’m going. Then, and now, I realize luck has nothing to do with it; however — faith: everything.

We absolutely, positively, hands-down create our lives. That purple elephant standing behind you? Entirely possible, only of your creation. read more »

I just found out that a friend of mine, recently back in my life, once had to create a User ID and password for a CAL account, our alma mater. Apparently, under the influence of our friendship and a Grey Goose martini, she jokingly made “that shan is hot” her password. Well, ever since then — in order to have consistency across her accounts — she has used “that shan is hot” for the password to every single one of her accounts established since college.

Even though we’ve barely spoken in 3 few years, nevertheless, every time she’s logged into Facebook, Twitter, or her email, she’s been reminded of me.

When I heard this, I laughed my head off. I have to say: it’s nice to know someone out there is thinking of you, even when there’s silence.

Ooh. Those great foam rollers everyone loves. The ones you crawl around on to stretch out the muscles. The perfect self-massage. I do a solid 30 minutes before bed. Ah, now I’ll really be able to sleep. read more »

Laundry scattered on burber carpet.

Dishes sticky and stacked on counter.

Personal email dogpiled in inbox.

Four weeks of recycling doing trapeze show under sink.

I started working on a longer post, but after an extraordinarily too-short weekend of interstellar fun, I must retire at 8:15pm. This will have to suffice for now.

Dancing in a kimono is even funner.

Today I was reunited with an old lover: read more »

The first time in awhile that I’ve just taken a day to do nothing, I had high hopes to get in some good b.log, journal and script writing today. Alas, it was not in store.

But had I spent a very long, thoughtful time crafting a b.log post to make up for the somewhat off-the-cuff posts of late (having committed to one post a day, I have surrendered to quantity over quality…), perhaps I would have said something like this:

read more »

Posting 1, 2, 1, 2… Posting, one. Two. Three.

God bless mothers.

The past two days I’ve been achy with chills and a depleated soul, working from home but wanting to crawl into a hole.

My dear mom, retired from teaching but never from mothering, drove down this afternoon and, while I slaved away at the computer, she slaved away in my kitchen… cooking up a big ole pot of chicken soup. read more »

Also using:

• “Sparticus” brand radio alarm from thrift store (rather than cell phone as alarm clock)
• Wrist watch (rather than cell phone as mobile time manager)
• Wall clock that has to be plugged in – no batteries (rather than cell phone as how-much-time-before-I-have-to-leave-for-work tracker)

(how did we live before cell phones?!)