Taking no prisoners. Including herself.

Instead of doing more Christmas shopping, or wrapping presents, my friend Whit invited me on another beach hike to Bodega; so much better. It was sunset on the lowest tide of the year — sun sunk west beyond naked seaweed beds; 5 minutes later a blossoming full moon peered over the Eastern cliffs. We explored […]

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§406 · December 23, 2007 · Unthinkable Loss · (No comments) ·


So many wonderful things happen in a day. I take a nice long walk; I am fluid. I stretch, I work, I buy a new book (or 20). I feel the soft rub of a scarf as I wind it around my neck; I am warm. I drink fresh, gritty, strong dandelion tea in a […]

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§404 · December 22, 2007 · Unthinkable Loss · (No comments) ·


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§403 · December 22, 2007 · Unthinkable Loss · (No comments) ·


Because I’m just too tired to write anything new, I’m posting my speech from my brother’s Celebration of Life ceremony. Each of us has a spark of life inside us, and our highest endeavor ought to be to set off that spark in one another. –Kenny Ausubel There will always be the past to miss. […]

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§401 · December 17, 2007 · Unthinkable Loss · 5 comments ·


We had Chris’ memorial yesterday. It was an amazing tribute to an amazing man, my brother. It was also one of the most exhausting days of my life. My body hurts with fatigue; I woke up at 4am moaning. Not even a four hour nap today cured the aching that drips down my shoulders and […]

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§400 · December 16, 2007 · Unthinkable Loss · (No comments) ·


Another strange week… By the weekend, my stomach was feeling better, so I went back to yoga. Got together for the first time with the extended family. We celebrated a few December birthdays, and talked about my brother’s memorial service. Went on another long walk in Corte Madera and listened to how good it felt […]

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§399 · December 14, 2007 · Unthinkable Loss · (No comments) ·


I went on a beautiful hike with my friends Whit and Leslie to the Tule Elk Reserve in Pt. Reyes. Along the beach at sunset, low tide, there were two dead seals on the shore. One didn’t have a head. As the tide drained back toward the ocean, pulling, carving, etching trees in the sand, […]

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§398 · December 12, 2007 · Unthinkable Loss · 1 comment ·


I’m going on long walks. Taking a breather. Let children walk with Nature, let them see the beautiful blendings and communions of death and life, their joyous inseparable unity, as taught in woods and meadows, plains and mountains and streams of our blessed star, and they will learn that death is stingless indeed, and as […]

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§397 · December 10, 2007 · Unthinkable Loss · (No comments) ·


The 7th of December was the 66th anniversary of Pearl Harbor, the Petaluma Hospice Light Up a Life celebration, and my mother’s birthday. Not the kind of birthday a mother ever hopes to spend, my father and I offered to take her to the Hospice ceremony, and then to sushi. * * * Still sick, […]

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§396 · December 8, 2007 · Unthinkable Loss · 5 comments ·


Suddenly, I can’t eat. I keep waking in the dark, early mornings, and have to vomit. I haven’t been able to keep anything down since Tuesday, save two pieces of bread and a cup ‘soup. My stomach is roiling, and I feel anxious and tired, but can’t sleep. I either have a stomach bug, or […]

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§395 · December 6, 2007 · Unthinkable Loss · (No comments) ·


So tired. Stayed in bed all day. Ate two pieces bread, then applesauce, then tea. Think I’m getting sick. But good news: no jury duty. Also, got cat catbox so she can sleep inside all night without pissing on my floor cushions. Getting tucked into bed by mom, will write later.

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§394 · December 5, 2007 · Unthinkable Loss · 1 comment ·


Today I joined a gym and finished my brother’s obituary. Gym: treadmill for 30 mins. Obituary: Christopher David DeJong, (February 14, 1976 – November 21, 2007) – beloved son, husband, brother, nephew, grandchild, teacher, friend – passed away unexpectedly in his El Cerrito home. Born on Valentine’s Day in Petaluma, Chris was a precocious, curious, […]

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§393 · December 2, 2007 · Unthinkable Loss · 7 comments ·


Today I went to yoga, had a facial, and took a nap. That’s it. I have been sitting in my fuzzy red robe and drinking tea for the past 5 hours. And I know it seems crude at a time like this to be doing something like having a facial — but the thing is, […]

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§392 · December 1, 2007 · Unthinkable Loss · (No comments) ·


When someone dies, there are so many things you don’t think you have to think about; and of course you have no capacity to think. This is the stuff I have been trying to think about. The coroner’s office was closed for the Thanksgiving weekend, so for the first few days all we did was […]

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§391 · November 30, 2007 · Unthinkable Loss · 1 comment ·


Sometimes there is nothing to say. Sometimes there is nothing to write. My brother died suddenly this past week. He didn’t call Tuesday for my father’s birthday; I made a mental note to chide him when I saw him later that week. When Thursday arrived, I called to ask him when he thought he would […]

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§390 · November 29, 2007 · Announcements, Unthinkable Loss · 1 comment ·