Taking no prisoners. Including herself.

(It is Valentine’s day. It is also my brother’s birthday, who passed away 3 years ago.) Dear C-

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§1203 · February 14, 2011 · Narrative, Over in Oakland, Unthinkable Loss · 4 comments ·


What does loss teach us about love? Loss is a fluid that eases with time but never goes away, only shifts and eddys, pooling as memory. Its pokes and sharpnesses dull, but always is stored in a pocket of the heart, and balloons from time to time when triggered and bumped.

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§686 · October 6, 2009 · Unthinkable Loss · 1 comment ·


Hello, Hanoi (Part 9 of Many) I have not posted for a few days because sometimes this world cuts me like a stone, and I have to wander around half-dead until breathable air arrives.

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2-14

This Saturday is February 14th. For most people it is a day of romance (Hallmark or otherwise); but it is also my brother’s birthday. I’m taking the weekend alone in Sapa to write, think, and honor my only and lost brother. Just for him, I booked the deluxe suite with double-balcony views. “You only live […]

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You might think Britney Spears on the iPod while crossing New Zealand’s majestic bays via ferry towards Waiheke Island some kind of sacrilege — but let me assure you, my friends, it is a beautiful (life affirming) combination, the sacred and the profane.

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Christopher David DeJong Feb. 14, 1976 – Nov. 20, 2007 It’s been a long year since you left us, yet the loss is still fresh. Slowly the pain lessens and is replaced with memory, but the “missing” will always be there. Let us miss you without selfishness, without desperation, but only with love. You will […]

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§532 · November 20, 2008 · Unthinkable Loss · (No comments) · Tags: ,


Yesterday was the 5 year anniversary of the death of my best friend Jamie. My friend Jill, who grew up with Jamie and I, called me: “Just wanted to talk to you to remember how, 5 years ago exactly, we experienced one of the worst days of our lives.” Actually, she said “one of the […]

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§512 · August 31, 2008 · Unthinkable Loss · 1 comment · Tags: , , , ,


Oh, who am I kidding- There is no Robot-Lego FlashDance going on — I don’t even own legos.

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§500 · July 13, 2008 · Unthinkable Loss · 1 comment · Tags: , ,


As a follow-up to my last post about Mother’s Day, I am posting this link to an article, The Dark Side of Mother’s Day, written by a woman I know, Cynthia Tuttelman. I am not a mother, but I have one; and seeing what she’s had to go through after the death of her child, […]

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§485 · May 16, 2008 · Unthinkable Loss · (No comments) ·


Mother’s Day was emotional but uplifting; energy around the household has been a little tense as Mom, Pop and I realize that grief comes in colors outside a hue of blue. There is also anger, fear, loneliness, and some other disorienting shade of grey that sort of lingers around your eyes when you first wake […]

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§483 · May 13, 2008 · Unthinkable Loss · (No comments) · Tags: , , ,


I know we’re in the middle of a fashion experiment, but I have to interrupt the Project Muu-Muu and switch gears to a post for Unthinkable Loss — an account of my experience with the sudden loss of my brother. Throughout this process I am perpetually amazed at the mercurial nature of emotion, and how much […]

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§469 · April 25, 2008 · Unthinkable Loss · 2 comments ·


It’s been a little over 4 months since my brother’s passing. This is an interesting time, when the death is now very real but still freshly affects my life. I find myself mistaking my relative “okayness” with my “being done grieving” when, I’ll never be done grieving. Life is in full swing now: Mom and […]

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§438 · March 30, 2008 · Unthinkable Loss · 1 comment ·


I was taking the #72 Golden Gate Transit bus home from San Francisco, when my phone rang. I typically shun people who pick up phone calls on long-distance public transit, but it was my sister-in-law; since my brother passed, I am keen to pick up calls from family, regardless of whom I piss off. “Do […]

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§427 · February 29, 2008 · Unthinkable Loss · (No comments) ·


Yesterday was the three month anniversary of my brother’s death — well, actually the three month anniversary of the day I found him. The police said it was likely he was lying there for a day or two. Let’s just take a minute with that. There are so many emotions that come up at this […]

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§426 · February 24, 2008 · Unthinkable Loss · 2 comments ·


I miss my brother. …I thought I had more to write than that… But I guess I don’t.

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§414 · January 30, 2008 · Unthinkable Loss · 4 comments ·


See — life isn’t all doom and gloom: my cat Patches, at 16 years old, finally learned to use the litterbox! We celebrated this morning with an extra serving of Giblets & Gravy (for her) and freshly-brewed homemade Dong Quai tea (for me). Then I sat down to write. It is precisely at this moment […]

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§416 · January 17, 2008 · Announcements, Unthinkable Loss · 3 comments ·


A letter came in the mail. It indicated I had a package waiting for me at the post office. From the Trident Society. I knew what it was. Carrying the box from the post office to the car, I noted how unbelievably heavy it was (my brother was a big guy). Do you know how […]

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§415 · January 16, 2008 · Unthinkable Loss · 2 comments ·


I have stories to tell from New Year’s, and Mendocino, and the general endings of 2007 and going-forth-ness of 2008 — but first I need to take a moment to reflect, once again, upon death and loss. Since my brother died, every day is strange and different, difficult and sometimes joyful in the most unexpected […]

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§413 · January 7, 2008 · Unthinkable Loss · 1 comment ·


I’ve been having the wish to just go and get away from my skin, my head, my life for the past couple of days — to get out with friends, and pretend like things are “normal.” My wish was granted when a very dear friend and ex-roomie, “Foote”, now living in Brooklyn, said she was […]

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§408 · December 28, 2007 · Unthinkable Loss · 1 comment ·


Wrapped in grief is the gift of joy. – Nell Tomassen Reboh My sister-in-law, C., and her brother came over for Christmas brunch, and card games, and Dance Dance Revolution. We even opened a few presents. C.’s brother, who lives in Japan, gave to me a stacking bento box with glittery butterflies on it. I […]

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§407 · December 25, 2007 · Unthinkable Loss · (No comments) ·