Taking no prisoners. Including herself.

Number one word to describe tonight: fun.

For such a flat-footed, sallow little three-letter word, it sure encapsulates the intoxication I experienced from 7:05pm-7:55pm. Fun. Fun, fun, fun. Fun! In the parlance of the Internet, let me capitalize to indicate increased volume: IT WAS FUCKING FUN.

Fun is underrated. As adults, we treat fun (at best) like an accident or an afterthought; or (at worst), like a worn-out Barbie doll, off which we’ve cut all the hair.

AUTHORITY FIGURE: [Wagging finger] What are you doing?! It is no longer appropriate to play with that.

YOU: But I wanna! It’s… fun!

AUTHORITY FIGURE: [Continues finger-wagging] I’m sorry. But now you must play with this– [furnishes 401(k) enrollment form]

YOU: But–! [Takes form. Turns it over. Frowns] This is bo-o-ring!

AUTHORITY FIGURE: [gives stern look] Don’t make me call your father.

YOU: Aw, crap.

*     *     *

But when you’re a kid, you are allowed to make it your occupation.

AUTHORITY FIGURE 2: Sally – what do you like to do?

SALLY: Have fun.

AUTHORITY FIGURE 2: Unh-hunh. And if you could have one wish, for anything, what would it be?

SALLY: To have fun.

AUTHORITY FIGURE 2: Okay, yes, well — when you grow up, what is the one thing you want to be?

SALLY: Ummmm… gettin’ a’ have fun all day.

AUTHORITY FIGURE 2: Well, that’s not really an occupation, but ok. Maybe I’ll ask you this: what do you love more than anything in the world? More than Mummy or Daddy or  toys or even more than ice cream?


*     *     *

All my life, I’ve wondered about that age-old “going to be when I grow up” question. What does it mean? I kept getting confused with “what I want to be” with “money” — and they are two completely separate ideas. I love my job — but I don’t live for it.

I’m gonna be someone who’s gettin’ a’ have fun all day. And for me, having fun is playing make believe. Only I get to validate it by putting it in down on paper or on a stage.

But, really — it’s all just a rouse. Playing make believe is my life.

So, as an upward-growing person, I decided that I will be a microcosm of a microcosm: I will write. I will perform. I will perform my writing, and then write about performing. And then do it all over again.

I’ve known this my whole life, of course. But somehow I managed to keep shoving it under the rug. But I’ve always known: I live for that moment — the moment I annihilate myself to my partner, to the scene, to the page, to the word, to the simplest true gesture — aka, The Present Moment.

The moment I cease to exist are the happiest moments of my life.

It is my practice — it is my entry into mastery of the self — into enlightenment — into self-awakening — into peace — into devotion — into God. I learn the skills and craft of improv, theater, acting, performance, writing, narrative, timing, music, intimacy, emotion, expression, story, or verse — JUST SO I CAN DO __IT__.

Better than food. Better than money. Better than sex.

*     *     *

Tonight: There was a great audience, about 30 people. Temescal Arts Center is a great intimate little space (I’m looking into doing BURST there). We did some more traditional impro-esque games and some others that were at the heart of the Action Theater approach that we’ve been learning.

“Yes, and” with H. felt great — being able to match his energy and then consciously contrast it, felt like we were shoving coal on a fire and then taking the flames and sculpting them like clay.

“Swinging door narratives” felt feisty and kittenish. O! How I wanted to do “Dream Sequence” for another 30 minutes. Feeling the timing and musicality has become more important to me that the words. Only thing to do but tune in to your partner(s) and become an instrument on which you all play. The 50 minutes flew by, and I had barely caught my breath when we came to the last of it.

Thank goodness for tomorrow — another chance to play make believe.

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