Taking no prisoners. Including herself.

It just so happens I am alive again.

I woke up this morning, and realized I was not, as initially anticipated, dead.
(I had started to get this picture. Maybe my life was over? No, I just needed a new bed).

The sun was still hidden but my wants bare naked,
and with all of my recent sleeping in, I’ve taken
a daily vow to say, in a certain way,
I’ve been reborn as the same old Gray.

But, like re-formed clay, I’m new of shape while of material same.
(I haven’t yet quite caught on to this whole “one-lesson” game.)

I need many reminders, you see, and so I’m rebirthing
closer
to the child I want to be. And who I want to be is…
me.

Corny as it is thus stated,
and as much as it grates me,
I do ache for letting go.
Letting go of myself, or my
old self, or my
same self, or my
self’s notion of
self. Self.
(self) ?.
Sel
S
s
.

My Empty-eye clangs open like coffee
and shouts into my ear: “we go!”
(Ok. So. We go.

((I had forgotten, she calls the shots. This makes me
sweat more than usual. I’ve taken to wearing
more deodorant - that awful stuff with aluminum and poison but without this surrender, I am utterlyutterly miserable. So,
the reigns I hand over.

(((I’m not sure if I’m ready to take on this challenge, but everything tells me I
must in order to live with any semblance of dignity [or, to
be able to "live with myself" as some put it]. Which is all to say, I’m
terrified and titillated to make this the Year of No Fear. Meaning? Everything I want
to do, I do.
((((Scary, because this might mean major upheaval)))) – wasn’t I just working on stability?))) Slow, dear Hare, slowwwww.)) We go.)

*
But it does mean I will likely have to
stand on a folding chair
at the side of Lake Merritt
in a bathing suit silently
witnessing my discomfort.
And then I’ll add in a bullhorn,
per Lib’s encouragement.

Yes, that will do for now.

§1184 · December 28, 2010 · Daily1, Freewrites · · [Print]

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