Taking no prisoners. Including herself.

…ok, team–

It’s time for a serious heart-to-heart. I know I’m infamous for my abundant pep talks (asked for or not) and Can Do attitude; for my always cheery “cheer up, Slugger!” encouragement and optimistic outlooks.

Wow. How annoying.

But I realized I am full of shit. I give advice but cannot take it. I haven’t written for 5 solid days now, and my wordcount has come to a standstill. I have over 7000 words to write today ALONE, and I sat down to write and couldn’t even get to 500.

500 words. That’s, like, this email.

I am sad, and tired, and my story really, really sucks. The last 2000 words were about why I like green tea. (Seriously.)

I don’t know what else to write about. It’s so BOring. I mean, it has to be at least a little good, and it’s not. I keep telling you all to “just keep writing” but today there was no passion, no excitement, no desire to write AT ALL. And I realized that because I am feeling like this is hard, it probably means something. I mean, it’s like childbirth, or learning how to play the piano, or climbing a rock face with no ropes, or working 12 hour shifts in a crazy-ass hospital, or even facing our demons for the sake of growth — This stuff is hard, and since it’s hard, it probably means we shouldn’t do it.

So I’m quitting. And I think you all should to.

NaNoWriMo is stupid, anyway. Plus, I don’t like writing when I feel pressured. I want to feel like it’s easy, and what I’m writing makes sense. I mean, what’s the point of writing 50,000 words you can’t use? It’s not like just because NaNoWriMo is nothing more than an exercise in pushing through resistance that we should keep writing even when we meet resistance. It’s a fucking waste of time. Stuff keeps coming up. Like, really important stuff. Like, work, and showering, and exercising, and feeding my cat. There’s so much to do!

I promise: I will come back and REALLY write my novel when I have more time. You know, in the new year. Or no– wait. That’s no good. I’m busy. But maybe during the summer. I will have more time then, and–oh, I might be traveling then. Ok, so NEXT next year, in the Spring time, when the leaves are green and the flowers blooming bright pink kisses and I can REALLY be inspired, not like now, when it’s cold and wintery and all…. uninspiring and shit. I don’t feel like writing at all right now. I mean, I feel like a loser. I weigh more than I’ve ever weighed in my life. I live with my parents. I barely have a job. I’m depressed probably 3 days out of the week. And it’s the f*cking 1 year anniversary of the death of my brother TOMORROW. I have stopped being happy and smiley and realized: I’m just angry and sad. And who can write when they are angry and sad?

I’m just not into it anymore.
Plus, I’m so behind I’ll never make 50,000 — so why keep writing at all? Who cares that the whole point of this is not to “win” but to remember that I just love the written word, and writing brings more joy to my life than almost any other act, and that when I’m writing –even when I’m uninspired or confused or angry or depressed– I feel a kind of love that reminds me that there is still peace and joy to be found in this world, despite all its trials. And , really — why does it matter that when I’m 80 I will not remember the days I sat on my ass feeling sorry for myself, or was upset with the world, or the money I did or did not make, or even the cool things I failed to accomplish. No, it doesn’t matter that the main thing I will remember is how, when I was 27 years old, I actually believed that failure doesn’t mean shit when you’re happy, and I decided to –what the hell!– follow my dream of trying to write a novel… And had a really difficult, but f*cking amazing time trying. That is, until I quit–

So. Anyway. I think we’re just wasting our time trying to do something that makes us happy. We should probably all just get back to life, where there are easier, less interesting things awaiting us.


§531 · November 19, 2008 · NaNoWriMo · Tags: , , · [Print]

1 Comment to “A Letter to NaNoWriMo-ians”

  1. Aunt Penni says:

    WOW! We all run into mountains sometimes. Apparantly, your mountain was to get beyond this particular writing thing. It is ok. Move on.
    There are so many other avenues. All are available to you. Love you,

Leave a Reply