NOT KEEPING SCORE

(She Disembarks)

First travel story: I approached the ticket counter, checked my bag, and smiled as the Delta employee handed me back my passport. Then my face dropped as said, “Are you on the Do Not Fly list?”

I searched my brain. Hey self: I asked myself, Recently committed any acts that may have landed us on the Enemy to Homeland Security list? Self replied, Not that we’re aware of. So I looked at my friendly check-in fellow.

“Not that I’m aware of,” I said.

“Okay. Well, you’ve got a special marking on your boarding pass.” He pointed to where it was marked SSSS. “That means you’re going to be super-screened.”

“Super-screened?” I questioned, a disengenuous look of shock on my face. “Oh no!”

“I dunno why. The computer jus’ tells me. You’re marked. So get ready. Throw away everything. Throw them out now.”

(Here I was tempted to say thanks for the tip… I’ll be sure to toss that poison gas and shrapnel bomb before I go through security but knowing there are no-no words in the airport, I just said:)

“I’ll be sure to do that, thank you.” He looked at me wearily.

“Don’t try to take any liquids - no matter how small.”

To console him, I offered, “I’m sure I’ll be fine. As long as they don’t strip search me…”

The funny thing was, he didn’t reject this notion. He just said “you’re not gonna like it, that’s all I’m saying…” and called the next person in line.

* * *

He was right. The moment I showed my boarding pass to the first security checker, she circled the SSSS and unzipped the divider behind her. “Follow me,” she said.

I felt myself getting nervous. To be safe, I asked, “I have some lotion, under 3 oz., but I don’t have a plastic baggie. Am I okay?”

With a blank look on her face she responded, “maybe.”

She led me past everyone in line to a corridor of space behind security. “Follow this.” She gestured ahead. I followed the corridor, flowing past all other passengers in the security maze, until I came to a dead end. I looked around. There was a small sign on the side of the wall that said WAIT HERE FOR A SECURITY SCREENER. I did.

One of the regular screeners saw me waiting in the empty, dead-end line. “Someone will be right with you.” Someone was. I smiled. “Miss, step ahead, please,” he instructed, unlatching the ropes and bringing me to the front of the screener line. I felt like a criminal or covert diplomat, I couldn’t tell which.

“Please remove your laptop, liquids, jacket, long sleeves, shoes.” Then he pointed behind me to a large air puffer. “Have you ever seen one of these?

I said, Yes, in fact, I have.

Clad in a tanktop, rolled-up jeans and barefeet, I entered, let the puffer do it’s thing, exited. At that moment someone who was screening my bag called to me, “Miss! This your bag? We’re going to have to open it up.” I walked through the metal detector, and it beeped. “Miss, we’re going to have to search you.”

I smiled. The only passenger in front of me was a man in his 40’s, disheveled, and looked like he had been waiting awhile. His belt and top button were undone, as if he had just been asked to remove his pants.

Whatever I need to do to get on that plane, I thought.

There was more passing of security batons, and rifling through my bag, and examining of pockets and opening up of laptops. A young, olive-skinned man wiped my bag and shoes with small handy wipes, and ran the wipes through another small scanner to check for chemical residue. My two small viles of hand lotion were removed, and set delicately in front of me. “I’m gonna need to see your boarding pass.” Rubber gloves reached toward me for the thin piece of paper.

I handed it over.

He paused, looked at me for a long moment, and then checked it off. Then his mouth broke into a smile: “That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

I exhaled. “Are these screens random?” I asked.

“Well, yes. But you get tagged if you book your ticket last minute, have a one-way flight, or are traveling to certain countries.”

“I bought my one-way ticket to Tel Aviv last week.”

“Bingo.” He said, and handed me back my two little bottles of liquid. “Have a good flight!”

And the best thing was, I got through security in under 10 minutes.